On paper it would be safe to say that I have ruined my life.
I have less money, my savings are gone, I have less free time, less few people in my life, I have no academic cohort and a practically non existent social life.
I spent nearly three decades of my life as a people pleaser doormat with no boundaries. I put my heart and soul into helping other people succeed in their job, mental health or personal growth.. all at the expense of my own.
I kept myself small to make other people feel better about themselves and comfortable around me. I hid my personality and diminished my abilities and accomplishments. I withheld my feelings when people hurt me and I put up with other people’s bad behaviours because I wanted to help them feel better about themselves. All at the cost of my own mental wellbeing and self esteem.
So when I say ‘I ruined my life’ it was in the moment I decided to put myself and my own welfare and dreams first.
I set hard boundaries and removed myself from people who brought negativity into my life or hurt my mental wellbeing.
I can’t say the past year is been the most difficult of my life (as it hasn’t been) but it’s definitely been the most necessary and transformative of my life. And that I am so happy I ruined the life I had a few years ago.
All I had to do was be my truer and most authentic self, and live the life I wanted, and stand up for myself. To finally see the value that I have for this world and protect it at all costs.
It’s my story.. It’s not minimalistic, or super tidy, or run militantly with every minute of every hour scheduled in a calendar.. But, you know what? It’s rich with so much more.
It’s rich with incredible relationships, and love, and books, and little nuggets of information, and laughter and growth.. and most importantly.. cats.
So, according to the productivity world, I’ve technically ruined my life - but I am in love with the ruins of my life.
