lunes, 18 de marzo de 2024

/



Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it. 

For many of us, our generational "curse" is avoidance. We come from people who just act like "it" didn't happen. But pain demands to be felt. And somewhere along the line, a child will be born whose charge it is to feel it all. 
These are your shamans, your priests and priestesses, your healers.

You call them mental health patients and label their power as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and the like. But these are the ones who are born with the gift of Feeling. 

And as we all know, you can't heal the pain that you refuse to feel.

~ Dionne Shannette Wood

martes, 28 de noviembre de 2023

x

 On paper it would be safe to say that I have ruined my life.

I have less money, my savings are gone, I have less free time, less few people in my life, I have no academic cohort and a practically non existent social life.
I spent nearly three decades of my life as a people pleaser doormat with no boundaries. I put my heart and soul into helping other people succeed in their job, mental health or personal growth.. all at the expense of my own. 

I kept myself small to make other people feel better about themselves and comfortable around me. I hid my personality and diminished my abilities and accomplishments. I withheld my feelings when people hurt me and I put up with other people’s bad behaviours because I wanted to help them feel better about themselves. All at the cost of my own mental wellbeing and self esteem.


So when I say ‘I ruined my life’ it was in the moment I decided to put myself and my own welfare and dreams first. 

I set hard boundaries and removed myself from people who brought negativity into my life or hurt my mental wellbeing. 

I can’t say the past year is been the most difficult of my life (as it hasn’t been) but it’s definitely been the most necessary and transformative of my life. And that I am so happy I ruined the life I had a few years ago. 

All I had to do was be my truer and most authentic self, and live the life I wanted, and stand up for myself. To finally see the value that I have for this world and protect it at all costs.


It’s my story.. It’s not minimalistic, or super tidy, or run militantly with every minute of every hour scheduled in a calendar.. But, you know what? It’s rich with so much more.

It’s rich with incredible relationships, and love, and books, and little nuggets of information, and laughter and growth.. and most importantly.. cats.

So, according to the productivity world, I’ve technically ruined my life - but I am in love with the ruins of my life.

x

 Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

lunes, 18 de septiembre de 2023

,

 




It’s time to live,

 to hug myself, 


to hug 16 year old me and show her what we’ve accomplished 

what we’re doing with life 


that I am still here 



I love you and you should love you too 

v

  




They love you better

I know you best 

lll

 



“Suicide” someone says, but no, we can not commit suicide because of two reasons, the first one is (one more time) selfishness, there are millions of unfortunate animas in the planet who would do anything to live not one more time, but a few more minutes to amend mistakes made in life or just saying sorry, 


and the second one is almost as nasty as life itself is, basically, commiting suicide is an emotional blackmail, where the act of killing yourself would result in related harm for your loved ones, causing anxiety, depression, or even consequent suicides, so you decide not to go ahead because the idea of leaving a trail of guilt and pain behind you does not sound really attractive, to be honest.

🌻

 For those who are struggling 

With having and finding a purpose:

Maybe, for now, your purpose is

Waking up in the morning 

And taking on the day

Ahead 

Maybe your purpose is

Continuing 

To live 

Despite it all 



Life becomes so much more fullfilling when

You’re just

Simply 

Yourself 

🌻

§

 ‘Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies inside us while we live’

_

 The other day on tiktok I saw a video of a 4 year old girl eating her lunch. Her mom said “can I have a sip of your drink?” She looked at her mom right in the eyes and said a clear: NO. Then, she went right back to eating her food.

Her mother said: ok. She didn’t pressure her. She didn’t make her wrong for having a natural desire to have her own drink. She didn’t say “nice girls share.” Because the most important person in her world, her mother, respected her no she learned a valuable lesson. It’s ok to say no. And healthy adults will respect it. In the future, when someone doesn’t respect her no, she’ll understand it’s them, not her who is the issue. 

Many of us have been raised by mothers who couldn’t say no. Who were in compromised situations, and who loved us very much and tried to protect us. They did this by trying to make us be easy, not difficult, and by modeling how to people please. Riddled with their own internal shame, they thought the only way to be loved was to never upset or disappoint those around them. The basis of people pleasing.

As we collectively wake up, we can break this pattern that puts so many women in dangerous, abusive, and compromised situations. 

Please tag and share to bring awareness to this pattern #selfhealers

__-

 



She seems to thrive on almost a kind of nervous energy, as if there was too much inside her to say, the wheels in her head always turning.

/

 No person or thing can harm me anymore.


I hold myself in loving safety inside my mind forever.

.

 On paper it would be safe to say that I have ruined my life.

I have less money, my savings are gone, I have less free time, less few people in my life, I have no academic cohort and a practically non existent social life.
I spent nearly three decades of my life as a people pleaser doormat with no boundaries. I put my heart and soul into helping other people succeed in their job, mental health or personal growth.. all at the expense of my own. 

I kept myself small to make other people feel better about themselves and comfortable around me. I hid my personality and diminished my abilities and accomplishments. I withheld my feelings when people hurt me and I put up with other people’s bad behaviours because I wanted to help them feel better about themselves. All at the cost of my own mental wellbeing and self esteem.


So when I say ‘I ruined my life’ it was in the moment I decided to put myself and my own welfare and dreams first. 

I set hard boundaries and removed myself from people who brought negativity into my life or hurt my mental wellbeing. 

I can’t say the past year is been the most difficult of my life (as it hasn’t been) but it’s definitely been the most necessary and transformative of my life. And that I am so happy I ruined the life I had a few years ago. 

All I had to do was be my truer and most authentic self, and live the life I wanted, and stand up for myself. To finally see the value that I have for this world and protect it at all costs.


It’s my story.. It’s not minimalistic, or super tidy, or run militantly with every minute of every hour scheduled in a calendar.. But, you know what? It’s rich with so much more.

It’s rich with incredible relationships, and love, and books, and little nuggets of information, and laughter and growth.. and most importantly.. cats.

So, according to the productivity world, I’ve technically ruined my life - but I am in love with the ruins of my life.

lunes, 31 de octubre de 2022

 I spent the whole day in my head

Do a little spring cleaning, I'm always too busy dreamingWell, maybe I should wake up insteadA lot of things I regret but I just say I forget
Why can't it just be easy?Why does everybody need me to stay?
Oh, I hate the feelingWhen you're high but you're underneath the ceilingGot the cards in my hand, I hate dealingGet everything I need, then I'm goneBut it ain't stealing
Can I get a break?I wish that I could just get out my goddamn wayWhat is there to say?There ain't a better time than today
Maybe I'll lay down for a little, yeah'Stead of always trying to figure everything outAnd all I do is say sorryHalf the time, I don't even know what I'm saying it about
When it ain't that badIt could always be worseI'm running out of gas, hardly anything leftHope I make it home from work
So tired of being so tiredWhy I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?
I'm no liar, but sometimes the truth don't sound like the truthMaybe 'cause it ain't, I just love the way it sound when I say itYeah, it's what I doIf you know me, it ain't anything new
Wake up to the moon, haven't seen the sun in a whileBut I heard that the sky's still blue, yeah
Heard they don't talk about me too much no moreAnd that's a problem with a closed door
Good news, good news, good newsThat's all they wanna hearNo, they don't like it when I'm downBut when I'm flying, oh, it make 'em so uncomfortableSo different, what's the difference?
There's a whole lot more for me waiting on the other sideI'm always wondering if it feel like summerI know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other timeI'll finally discoverThat there's a whole lot more for me waiting

I know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other timeThen I'll finally discoverThat it ain't that badAin't so bad
At least it don't gotta be no more

viernes, 19 de agosto de 2022

 What do you want me to say

It's never going away
'Cause I'm stuck on you
Like the smell of cigarettes on your flower dress

I want you under my fingernails
I want you in my sleep and in my dreams
I wake up spooning my pillow
Sweaty hands but please don't tell your friends

Now I'm addicted to cigarettes
At first I didn't let myself inhale
But smoke got through and so did you

And now every burn hole smells like home

And I know it's killing me
But that still won't stop me
'Cause now we smell the same

But you still kill me faster

sábado, 9 de julio de 2022

//j



I don't know how it happened
You got me spinning round for you

To tell you the truth
So you can't say I didn't warn you
I'm bad but I'm good


I'll be so good to you

lunes, 4 de julio de 2022

;

 every day I lie asleep

trying to wake up from this dream


what did you know?
I held my breath through every title


I wish I could get over this feeling of slipping under
I never get that far



Numb, but I still feel it

-

 A day goes by

and leaves a mark on forever




All lost thoughts find their way to the paper

miércoles, 29 de junio de 2022

jueves, 2 de junio de 2022

30

Smile, like it was yesterday.

Make me believe that you're the same.
Speak, tell me that you're OK.

I'll keep biting on my tongue.
I am looking at your face,
As if we never made mistakes.


Breathe, take in everything.


Become a person that I hate.


I am looking at your face,
As if we never even made mistakes.

If I close my eyes, for long enough.
Would I die, or would I just get lost?

You could find me, if you cared enough.
But I'm hoping you don't.

If I close my eyes for long enough would I die?
I cannot pretend I haven't tried.



I am hoping that you don't find me.
.

/

 I was breathing

so slow

that I thought I was going to die.

-

 I love you


but

we are burning alive

sábado, 28 de mayo de 2022

--



And I cannot be changed, I cannot be changed, no
Trust me, I've tried
I just end up right at the start of the line

Drawin' circles


Well I drink my whiskey, you sip your wine
Went through a wall, sittin',
Watchin' the world falling down its decline

And I can keep you safe, I can keep you safe
Do not be afraid, do not be afraid

You're feelin' sorry, I'm feelin' fine
Don't you put any more stress on yourself
It's one day at a time


It's gettin' pretty late, gettin' pretty late
And I find it goes around like the hands that keep countin' the time

Drawin' circles