/

 No person or thing can harm me anymore.

I hold myself in loving safety inside my mind forever.

.

 On paper it would be safe to say that I have ruined my life.

I have less money, my savings are gone, I have less free time, less few people in my life, I have no academic cohort and a practically non existent social life.
I spent nearly three decades of my life as a people pleaser doormat with no boundaries. I put my heart and soul into helping other people succeed in their job, mental health or personal growth.. all at the expense of my own. 

I kept myself small to make other people feel better about themselves and comfortable around me. I hid my personality and diminished my abilities and accomplishments. I withheld my feelings when people hurt me and I put up with other people’s bad behaviours because I wanted to help them feel better about themselves. All at the cost of my own mental wellbeing and self esteem.

So when I say ‘I ruined my life’ it was in the moment I decided to put myself and my own welfare and dreams first. 

I set hard boundaries and removed myself from people who brought negativity into my life or hurt my mental wellbeing. 

I can’t say the past year is been the most difficult of my life (as it hasn’t been) but it’s definitely been the most necessary and transformative of my life. And that I am so happy I ruined the life I had a few years ago. 

All I had to do was be my truer and most authentic self, and live the life I wanted, and stand up for myself. To finally see the value that I have for this world and protect it at all costs.

It’s my story.. It’s not minimalistic, or super tidy, or run militantly with every minute of every hour scheduled in a calendar.. But, you know what? It’s rich with so much more.

It’s rich with incredible relationships, and love, and books, and little nuggets of information, and laughter and growth.. and most importantly.. cats.

So, according to the productivity world, I’ve technically ruined my life - but I am in love with the ruins of my life.

 I spent the whole day in my head

Do a little spring cleaning, I'm always too busy dreaming
Well, maybe I should wake up instead
A lot of things I regret but I just say I forget

Why can't it just be easy?
Why does everybody need me to stay?

Oh, I hate the feeling
When you're high but you're underneath the ceiling
Got the cards in my hand, I hate dealing

Get everything I need, then I'm gone
But it ain't stealing

Can I get a break?
I wish that I could just get out my goddamn way
What is there to say?
There ain't a better time than today

Maybe I'll lay down for a little, yeah
'Stead of always trying to figure everything out
And all I do is say sorry
Half the time, I don't even know what I'm saying it about

When it ain't that bad
It could always be worse
I'm running out of gas, hardly anything left
Hope I make it home from work

So tired of being so tired
Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?

I'm no liar, but sometimes the truth don't sound like the truth
Maybe 'cause it ain't, I just love the way it sound when I say it
Yeah, it's what I do
If you know me, it ain't anything new

Wake up to the moon, haven't seen the sun in a while
But I heard that the sky's still blue, yeah

Heard they don't talk about me too much no more
And that's a problem with a closed door

Good news, good news, good news
That's all they wanna hear
No, they don't like it when I'm down
But when I'm flying, oh, it make 'em so uncomfortable
So different, what's the difference?

There's a whole lot more for me waiting on the other side
I'm always wondering if it feel like summer
I know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other time
I'll finally discover
That there's a whole lot more for me waiting

I know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other time
Then I'll finally discover
That it ain't that bad
Ain't so bad

At least it don't gotta be no more

 What do you want me to say

It's never going away
'Cause I'm stuck on you
Like the smell of cigarettes on your flower dress

I want you under my fingernails
I want you in my sleep and in my dreams
I wake up spooning my pillow
Sweaty hands but please don't tell your friends

Now I'm addicted to cigarettes
At first I didn't let myself inhale
But smoke got through and so did you

And now every burn hole smells like home

And I know it's killing me
But that still won't stop me
'Cause now we smell the same

But you still kill me faster

//j

I don't know how it happened

You got me spinning round for you

To tell you the truth

So you can't say I didn't warn you
I'm bad but I'm good

I'll be so good to you

;

 every day I lie asleep

trying to wake up from this dream

what did you know?
I held my breath through every title

I wish I could get over this feeling of slipping under
I never get that far

Numb, but I still feel it

-

 A day goes by

and leaves a mark on forever

All lost thoughts find their way to the paper

.

 what do you want me to say

when I can't tell you the truth?

##

 give my sorrow

a plot twist

I want you
to stay with me through the fright

30

Smile, like it was yesterday.

Make me believe that you're the same.
Speak, tell me that you're OK.

I'll keep biting on my tongue.
I am looking at your face,
As if we never made mistakes.

Breathe, take in everything.

Become a person that I hate.

I am looking at your face,
As if we never even made mistakes.

If I close my eyes, for long enough.
Would I die, or would I just get lost?

You could find me, if you cared enough.
But I'm hoping you don't.

If I close my eyes for long enough would I die?
I cannot pretend I haven't tried.

I am hoping that you don't find me.

.

/

 I was breathing

so slow

that I thought I was going to die.

-

 I love you

but

we are burning alive

--

And I cannot be changed, I cannot be changed, no
Trust me, I've tried
I just end up right at the start of the line

Drawin' circles

Well I drink my whiskey, you sip your wine
Went through a wall, sittin',
Watchin' the world falling down its decline

And I can keep you safe, I can keep you safe
Do not be afraid, do not be afraid

You're feelin' sorry, I'm feelin' fine
Don't you put any more stress on yourself
It's one day at a time

It's gettin' pretty late, gettin' pretty late
And I find it goes around like the hands that keep countin' the time

Drawin' circles

---

You said when you met me, you were bored

And you, you were in a band when I was born

I have emotional motion sickness

-

I try to stay clean and live without

-

And I wanna know what would happen

If I surrender to the sound

.

I hate you for what you did

And I miss you like a little kid

I can hardly feel anything, I hardly feel anything at all

I'm on the outside looking through
You're throwing rocks around your room
And while you're bleeding on your back in the glass
I'll be glad that I made it out and sorry that it all went down like it did

I have emotional motion sickness
Somebody roll the windows down

There are no words in the English language
I could scream to drown you out

Lately do you feel better when I'm gone?

I made a mess of myself again
I know it's all my fault
I've been, I've been whatever you wanted

It's such a shame that still no one likes looking up when they are lost

I fell into your forbidden arms

I am nothing but an echo through your halls
Won't you just stay here for longer?
I've given all to what is left of you
I don't know where I went wrong

We are alone
Alone with every one
We want our soul to burn
We want to tell the hurt

'Til we don't feel nothing

Why should we try so hard
Let's get numb
'Til we don't feel nothing

There's comfort in the dark
Let's get numb
'Til we don't feel nothing

 you make my Mondays feel like Fridays

I want you, you, you

To hold through the night
I want you, you, you
To see through my heart's disguise
I want you

All I ever needed was your Siamese kiss
Cleanse me up of spookyness
Clear the foxes through the mist
Give my sorrow a plot twist
I want you, you, you

To stand with me through the fright
I want you, you, you

;

I can see you starin', honey

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me


I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
I'm not your problem anymore
So who am I offending now?
You were my crown
Now I'm in exile, seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before
So I'm leavin' out the side door
So step right out, there is no amount
Of crying I can do for you

 Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way

 If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.

 I exist, that is all

, and I find it nauseating

 Our trust in love was broken plenty of times. So give your lover space, give them time and comfort..

For this life is tough,
And to trust again is hard,

And to love again is harder & tougher..

You do want love but you're afraid things will turn against you like the previous times. Dear I feel you, I understand your concern, and that you don't wanna lose yourself all again. It takes you to trust one right person, and all these doubts will be diminished and eliminated..

Love heals, it doesn't break nor shatters your heart.
What actually shatters is, the absence of love, the lack of it.
That's why we should be loving ourselves, for when others do not love us, or stop loving us, ourself will do the job, and prevent that pain and shattering from happening.

They all taught us to hate ourselves, our thoughts and our mistakes, our flaws and our realities.. and we became so good at it in a way we refused the love given to us.

You have to start loving yourself, so you can feel all the love the world is trying to give you.

 "Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself."

 “and all I want is to heal, 

to grow again and remedy my scars. 

What an elegant touch 'healing' has 

on the human soul!”

And will it fit?

If it has to, it will...

As it has done everything that should have a hole in your life and if not, it has to remain in a memory.

It is the magic of life, that reserves for you and puts at your fingertips what is there for you, while what does not suit what you are looking for and really need -which on too many occasions does not correspond to what you want- ends up disappearing. 

You insist that as the days go by the puzzle of your life is being put together: piece by piece, person by person, job by job, city by city, word by word, moment by moment...

And what a wonder when everything fits together 

without 

forcing.

It doesn’t matter

how it has gone

because now we’re only getting
stronger

🌻

The more I see

the less I know

The more I like to let it go

🌻

 You become

Who you surround yourself with

🌻

//

Oh, here you are
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way

Did they push you out
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

I never put you down
I never pushed you away

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way

Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

One has to get used to not getting to the bottom of everything.
Voltaire wrote “Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one.”

You can’t know anything for sure because there isn’t an absolute truth nor reality that we are capable of understand fully. 

That’s why we are left with only what’s weird, hurtful and distressing: doubt.

Is like trying to see the interior of a whole house with just one candle. As you pass through you light up the way, but what’s behind you darkens up.

🌞

“Dear Milena,

I wish the world were ending tomorrow. Then I could take the next train, arrive at your doorstep in Vienna, and say: “Come with me, Milena. We are going to love each other without scruples or fear or restraint. Because the world is ending tomorrow.” 

Perhaps we don’t love unreasonably because we think we have time, or have to reckon with time. But what if we don't have time? Or what if time, as we know it, is irrelevant? 

Ah, if only the world were ending tomorrow. We could help each other very much.”

“I can’t feel a thing; All mournful petal storms are dancing inside the very private spring of my head.”

“When one is alone, imperfection must be endured every minute of the day; a couple, however, does not have to put up with it.

Aren’t our eyes made to be torn out, and our hearts for the same purpose?

At the same time it’s really not that bad; that’s an exaggeration and a lie, everything is exaggeration, the only truth is longing.

But even the truth of longing is not so much its own truth; it’s really an expression for everything else, which is a lie. This sounds crazy and distorted, but it’s true.




Moreover, perhaps it isn’t love when I say you are what I love the most - you are the knife I turn inside myself, this is love. This, my dear, is love.”

In the language of love

, we simply call it "home".

.

I don’t want to be ignorant or uninformed, but i find that if i spend most of the day reading the news and looking at social media i lose my mind. 

I don’t just love going out into nature to clear my head, i NEED to go out into nature to clear my head. 

I need to go out and remind myself that my health and well-being cannot be defined by the opinions of strangers and the barrage of screen based information. 

If you’re losing your mind just try this; go outside for a few hours, and leave your phone at home.

to you, forever ago 🌹

A year ago today at this very moment I was going through one of the hardest moments in my life, if not the hardest yet. 

All been said, I haven’t had the most pleasant of lives experiences but overall I’ve always felt kind of lucky. But if you could die on the spot instantly because of sadness, this would have probably been it for me. I’m not some self entitled crazy ass, and I know most people won’t care but I’d like to share my experience, so whoever does care can have a think about it.

You know how you always put off meeting up with friends?

I was SO excited to be living on the same city with my best friend again!!! I had been very busy and she had been very busy also, but she was fiiiinally going to come to my new home and meet my other half. And I waited, and waited. Even though she was never late. Even though she shoulda left work 2 hours ago and had her phone off. I waited. But she never made it. 

I called her brother, worried sick: she had an accident couple of hours before making her way to my house. Died on the spot.

I know it sounds dramatic, it fucking was. I’ve sadly lost a couple of friends already, but this was different. I’ve been feeling like a part of me was missing this whole year. I’ve been confused, and angry, lonely, sad, and frustrated. 

To say now that I’m REALLY not looking for pity. Pity her, she was just 30, just got her dream job for what she’d been studying her whole life. Pity her family who just had to spend their first christmas without the kindest person on this Earth. But seriously, don’t give ME your attention. 

Dealing with this it’s been really hard but I’m staying so much more positive - mostly because I feel like wherever she is, she might still freaking hit me if I don’t. 

And I still miss her so much, everyday, but I don’t feel like she totally left me anymore. Yeah, she’s not a call away as always, but all she did for me through the years is still with me. 

Nothing is taking that away. There are some people that really mark you for life and see you for who you really are.

Why am I sharing all this? 

Because I was lucky to had some kind of closure the night before over the phone: we were a good pair of pansies who said how much we loved each other all the time. 

So the reason is that I think everyone needs to know and have present at all times how important is to take care of your friends and family. 

You really don’t know when they’ll be gone. 

Text your mom right now, tell that friend how much you love her, thank that other friend for always been there, kiss your dad. 

Do it. For them, for you and for my friend Inma. 

Please, let her memory inspire you to give some love to the people who deserve it in your life.

I can say with great certainty and absolute honesty that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not.

In plays and poems someone understands,

There’s something makes us more than blood and bone,

And more than biological demands.

For me love’s like the wind unseen, unknown.

I see the trees are bending where it’s been.

I know that it leaves wreckage where it’s blown.

I really don’t know what I love you means.

I think it means don’t leave me here alone.

And now here is my secret,
a very simple secret:
It is only with the heart
that one can see rightly;
what is essential
is invisible
to the eye. 

Show your teeth
Want so much to watch you hang
Show your teeth
Want so much to watch you cry
Show your teeth
Want so much to watch you hang
Show your teeth
I love this
Show your teeth
Show your teeth
Want so much to watch you cry
Show your teeth
I want so much

Someone told me once "you don't need to have an opinion about everything".
Not that I was THAT bad, but it did made me think things through more than once.


Goddamn, life is so much better since I took that advice! Seems so obvious but it's really some life changing shit.

I can't believe how much negativity we put onto ourselves for literally no reason and without even knowing it sometimes.

🥕🥕🥕

restless .

             . eyes

in all the good times I find myself
longing 
for change

and in the bad times I fear myself

you found the light in me
that I couldn't find



. I miss you

---

なんくるないさ

untitled unsettled

.
.
.
don't ever fcking let anyone
tell you
they're giving you enough

as if you were
too much

don't ever forget
everyone
deserves what they give
back and
what they want
you're allowed to decide

they are
the ones
not enough

.
.
run away.

.oh Hai

So these things happened

/

https://www.facebook.com/Sepukumetal

ghosts

~

.

/

"if the world could know what i know of you..

if everyone could know you as i do when you open up up your mind for me..

if they could see you with my eyes.. 

everyone

absolutely everyone would be so crazy about you as i am"

*

sit down in front of you

,curiosity
i didnt know that i know you

/

little red hiddingwolf

.who was going to eat who?

.run*

*

.shits I never finished

*as usual*

/

and if she goes out alone and has
two drinks more
than she should
she forgets that she loves me











what can i get you?

/whereisjuliet?*

/you

lets watch the world

.burning out*

.

why
are
you
running
away
?

*

.calm

.breathe

>

cant eat, cant think. just paint. 

I dont wanna wake up without you in the morning.

.said a Ms Noone to nobody
ever

/

just because you know how someone is with ppl, what could wear or what kind of music could listen doesnt mean that you know him. 

there is a lot of excuses to blind yourself. you can say "i cant love him cos i dont know him" but...
who really does?


do you know who you are?

///

feel

denn

if you wanna something of me

you just should forbid me to do it

itod

.if you are going to bite me

do it

otherwise dont even bark at me.

kcab

so ironic.

"forever" never lasts ever.

etah

. dont do half things

. if you love someone, love him with all your heart

. when you hate someone, hate him till it hurts

*

take me crazy.

take me for a walk on a leash to tighten, make me suffer, fan the fire, put me out to dry like a wet rag.
dont loose the strings until it's too late.
call me silly.
forgive. forget everything that has been said so far.
go away but dont let go of my hand.
lets start again.
twisted dreams
to burst.
trap your fingers.
i will lick them till they doesnt taste honey.
till they stop being honey.                                                              go out, denies everything and then returns.

I'll buy you a coffee.

hot, sure.

and no sugar. breathless.

.ecaf das

would*

and i'm happy

and i'm so fucking tired of not realising it.

z

if you fall, I'll get you up.
if I can't




, I lie with you.

*

today


i dont wanna be anything.

.

.53|<3|V14

.countdown

mi blog esta muerto. por que sigo escribiendo? blablablablabla

se que alguien leera esto algun dia. alguien que no este aqui por casualidad.
supongo que esto te interesa.

ya tienes que estar enfermo.

.c

.si tienes que recordar quien eres, no estabas siendo tu.


,ser azul no es malo
hay personas que se empeñan en hacerte creer que lo que les asusta es malo, y te hara desembocar en cosas negativas. hay personas que huyen de si mismas, que se autocensuran, o que simplemente no se escuchan. como tambien hay personas que viven sin hacer nada con sus vidas. gente mediocre. como el gordo que no tiene hambre, pero no deja de comer. para mi eso es peor. deberian morir.

no hay nada de malo en enamorarse de la  muerte. y recurrir a ella no tiene por que ser cobarde.

las personas suelen decir esto porque es la respuesta facil. la prefabricada. la que te enseñan.
pero, quien la ha pensado antes?


es dificil que alguien pueda explicarte esto bien, o argumentarlo creiblemente. la mayoria ya estan muertos.

yo lo podria intentar, soy pesima explicandome si esto acarrea mostrar algun tipo de sentimiento profundo al respecto, porque lo veo inutil, como ni abrir la boca.

*

.sadness.

.I love you.
,don't leave me ever

i

.que soy capaz de hacerte feliz con la ropa puesta

,y eso te acojona.

yfduygb

.no hay nada entre tu y yo

 .NADA

 .nada, ni aire

 .ni ropa *

/

.no eres el movil que tienes, ni el coche, ni el sueldo, ni los posters que tengas en tu habitacion, ni esa coleccion que podrias vender por el sueldo de un mes, ni un instrumento, ni un procesador...

.apaga el movil, vende el coche, compra felicidad con tu sueldo, que los posters te hagan poner musica, regala tu coleccion de cosas a alguien que vaya a cuidarla mejor que tu, haz musica, leeme...

.se feliz

.es lo mas importante
.el dinero viene y va, la estabilidad en la que crees que estas tan solo es social
.escuchate
.llamate tonto
.riete de ti
.duerme poco, sueña mucho, sientete bien al comer comida sana, al cuidarte, al mimar tu cuerpo
.eres todo lo que tienes
.quierete
.mimate
.hazte feliz

.no es hacer feliz a nadie, no es aferrarte a una carrera, no es que tu familia se sienta orgullosa...
.el sentido de la vida
.de TU vida
.eres tu

.sientete feliz al llorar, porque sientes, porque te hace crecer
.enamorate

de la vida.

.corre, rie, salta, grita, escribe, mete la mano en tu armario cerrando los ojos y ponte lo primero que toques, sal asi a la calle, sientete vivo, siente el aire, la lluvia, la musica, la vida.

/)0(3

.

.que vas a hacer
.cuando descubras
.que
.follar
.provoca
.cariño
?
*

o

.be careful

n

.nobody knows.

.the way is gonna be

8

.y si un dia fuesemos en el mismo metro
sin saberlo?

.me sentirias?

.te espero en el tejado

.te quiero chica triste

.hoy no quiero ser nada

irf

"No hagas nada a la mitad. Si amas a alguien,ámala con toda el alma. Cuando vas a trabajar, trabaja hasta el culo. Cuando odies a alguien, ódialo hasta que duela."

.h.R.

s

arañazos *

j

http://www.fotolog.com/resaca_emocional/

...si te sobra cama y te falta porno
,que como nos de por pensar, nos arrepentimos *

panettone #640000

panettone #640000

escuchar musica de ese tiempo

en el que era lo unico que te salvaba los dias

, _rap

.recordar.
.
.me

0eri9fovcp

,tu me diste tanta fiebre ...

yo te di perra por liebre

y nos quedamos en paz

ez

Give me, my Romeo. And when I shall die,

take him and cut him out in little stars.

Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-browed

[p]';87thyr.iy

.que no creo en principes de colores
,ni en el amor
,ni en el hombre ideal
o en la monogamia

,dura
.borde
.mala
.fria

...de puertas pa' fuera...

y634

Se fue su par, pensó: \"that's life\"









,que si sale sola, y se toma tres copas de más se le olvida que me quiere...

]

.asco.
.repulsion.
.muerete.

.pero soy buena actriz

d

.sonries


y vences al mundo

[;k;

,mirror

what are u looking for?

what are u waiting for?

'

tu imagen me persigue todo el dia
todos los dias

prometo no amarte mas
,prometo no querer estar contigo
,prometo no pensarte
,no ponerme celosa
,prometo no echarte de menos


que quieres de mi?

dejame dormir
,al menos



prometo no soñar contigo

.promesas incumplidas